So...

It's been a while since anyone last updated here. A really, really long while, huh. Guess we've been too busy and gradually forgot that we were sharing a blog. Or if blogging even exists anymore. It's kinda sad and amusing though, reading the older posts from last year. My cousin and her emo posts, my and my uhmm.. stalker-fangirl posts. Hehe. It's like reading my old diary entries (i barely have any left). Leaves a bittersweet feel? Not too sure.

I'm not even sure why I've decided to post this so late in the night. Maybe I'm bored. Maybe I just wanted to rant. I don't really know why. Haha. Doing this blogging thing all over again is just such a strange experience. I'm just going on rambling and rambling e-v-e-r-y single thought that comes to mind immediately. It doesn't seem to stop. Haha. O-O perhaps this does go to show that despite my often icy/stony exterior, I do actually think. Irrelevant stuff, mostly though.

Anyway, after rambling on so much, I've forgotten what I actually wanted to type up here. Oh well. Kinda typical of me since these few years. Or maybe just this year. Feels like it's gradually getting worse though. I'm just getting more and more Grimdark (in HS speak haha). Mehh. I don't even know anymore. At this point, everyone else in the house is asleep, I'm having a mini-gastric ache, and am pretty much awake. Not really SUPER awake though. No idea why. Figures. I'm just weird like that.

Coming back to look at the blog just made me think if I should start posting on a blog again. And if I do, would it be on a separate blog, or should I continue it here? So many thoughts. So much commitment to commit too. I doubt if I have the ability to be so resilient enough to blog. Haha. After all, I have Twitter and Facebook, which I use oh-so-very often to update any random thoughts that happen to pop up in my mind. Does that make me really attention-seeking? I wonder. Sometimes it feels perfectly normal to me, and other times i feel like i'm a complete annoying ass. Hmmmm. Oh well. /shrug

But really, I wonder if I should. Start a new blog again, that is. But then it would be such a pain to commit. I'll probably forget about it just like me and my cousin forgot about this one. We're just all too busy being caught up in our diverse lives. It's all so tiring, frankly. I've always wanted to remain a kid forever. Never has the thought of wanting or having to grow up crossed my mind as I grew older. It still doesn't. The world of the adults is such a terrifying, horrible place. I just turned 18. A legal age. And in a few years time, I'd be having to go for job interviews, getting a job, eventually having to get my own house and whatnot. It's all so scary.

I already dread the thought of having to take the A levels this year. It's only in a few months' time. I'm scared. I'm totally under-prepared. And I know that it is mostly me to be blamed. I slacked too much, and am still continuing to slack as I type this post. It's just so difficult for me to face my personal problems. The only thing that grew stronger as I grew up was not my intellect or my wisdom. I personally believe it is my denial of reality. Everyone else is growing up, at faster paces, or even slow paces. I haven't grown a single bit. I'm still very much the kid I was in primary school. The scared, quiet, envious, dark little girl that everyone avoided as much as possible. Sure, I have more friends now then I could have ever asked for in the past. But, all of them for what price? I just keep torturing myself in the end. 

I hate that everyone is better than me. And yet I don't do anything to help myself. I just plunge deeper into reality-denial. There's no one to save me from myself. But at least I'm not cutting. I'm not fond of physical self-infliction of pain. Neither has the thoughts of committing suicide ever passed my dumb skull. No, I've always wished for something else to take me away. I've never ever been religious, so.. No, it's not a God or angel that I had particularly in mind. But, all I wanted was just something or somebody to take me away. Just like Peter Pan or something like that. But ugh. I can't. So, I'm just living every day as it comes. It's really not the way I should be living though.

I keep making excuses for myself that the path that I'm currently walking on is not one that I've chosen, and hence I lie to myself that it's legit not to do well. But clearly, it isn't. My family is not as well to do as others. If I cannot get good enough grades to qualify me into a university, my life is kind of over. I mean, my dad saved all that money for me and my sis to go to university. And if my sis is allowed to go to poly instead, more money will be channeled there, meaning there is absolutely zero chance of me turning back to do the poly course. Or something like that.

I'm really jelly now of how my best friend, Regina, is able to do the course that she likes. Or rather, we like. So it's kinda like she's living out my dream right now. (: But besides feeling proud of her, I feel horribly and intensely jealous of what she has in poly and what i can never have in a jc. I hate it when people are able to excel even further in the things that I'm slightly mildly good at. I really hate it, to be honest. Maybe that's why I'm always copying others. It's all because I'm really jealous of the fact that everyone else is better than me. And I just want to be better. That's why I try to crush them by copying them. Ugh.

Geez I'm getting too lazy to rant any further. Thanks for reading all of this shit anyway. See, this is exactly what happens when I get too ranty/emotional. Jeez. Whatever.

Anyhoo,ta-ta. Till we meet again lulz.


~Zweii (: