Ayyyyy

wassup y'all?

It's been hella long since anyone has posted here.
Dude, like, it's been more than a year!
Crazy shit has gone down.

Frayed's in Year 2 of Junior College now, King is in her.. second year of poly as well? Hmmm. Can't really remember.

But anyways, guess what? Looks like I did shitty for my A's and I landed up in polytechnic as well! LOL.

What an amazing turn of events within this long long time that none of us bothered to blog.

Anyways, I didn't manage to get into the course that I wanted, much to my chagrin. I cried when I failed to appeal since there was no space left available for me to transfer.

But well, life is life. I need to keep on moving, even if I really don't like how my life has been playing out. Or more like, I've never liked anything with regards to life in general since after PSLE. Hmmmm. So depressing. But that's me alright.

I guess it's also been really long since I typed anything that is for non-academic purposes? I haven't really been writing or anything, just reading, reading, reading, and drawing when need be, or when the urge to do so arises.

Like I mentioned in my last post, blogging can seriously be such a bore nowadays. My life is a bore, there's really nothing much to say anymore. Even if it isn't, it feels just like it's the most boring thing ever.

Everything is just so grey and dull, just like this text.

There's a never-ending stream of design assignments that seem to pour down on us, requiring so much brainwork to think and design, what you may have of it. Initially, things were still kind of fun, until I got my first C+ grade recently.

Sigh. I really hate this. I hate how everyone else is so amazing and whatnot.
I hate how they say how easy it is to score well. I hate how I'm just never enough.

Just a few days ago, I got a hard smack of reality into my face.

I was going to get on my way home when I bumped into Regina, my best friend (however in her case, i'm prolly not her only best friend anymore). She was with another friend and told me that she was going to her friend's house later.

Just at that moment, I had a hard slap of reality. That person whom she was going home with used to be me. That was years ago. But it is now no longer.

So many things have changed. Everyone has been separated from each other, we're all doing different things, leading different lives. It's all so horrifying. It's like I still know them, but I don't. That feeling of closeness feels like it's been lost forever.

I don't understand how people can still remain best friends like this when they barely see each other face to face anymore. Regina's still considered my best friend. Cuz' when we say best, there is only supposed to be one. However, that is definitely not the case for her anymore.

Ugh. I'm so depressed everyday, it feels just like the times I was in Junior College. I feel like I'm being strangled and suffocated.

I feel like I'm being thrown away and left behind.

I feel like I miss everyone, but I don't even know them anymore. How do people even cope with persisting feelings like this?! I don't even know if I'm obsessed with them, or just the memories of being with them anymore.

Highly disturbed but still somehow hanging on,
Zweii

Confused

SO I have lasted 8 months with the guy I like. But recently there are less and less things to talk. And I been talking to my friend. Who is so similar to everyone ,every guy I like. And I can't help but feel close to him and like starting to like him abit. Is it okay to have a crush on someone??
I don't know. Or do I treat him like a good friend.

Am I screwed. Should I have kept my options open. So I'm free to like anyone I like?

Suddenly, I'm not so sure.
I wish and hope this is a passing phrase



--
The Broken hearted.

So...

It's been a while since anyone last updated here. A really, really long while, huh. Guess we've been too busy and gradually forgot that we were sharing a blog. Or if blogging even exists anymore. It's kinda sad and amusing though, reading the older posts from last year. My cousin and her emo posts, my and my uhmm.. stalker-fangirl posts. Hehe. It's like reading my old diary entries (i barely have any left). Leaves a bittersweet feel? Not too sure.

I'm not even sure why I've decided to post this so late in the night. Maybe I'm bored. Maybe I just wanted to rant. I don't really know why. Haha. Doing this blogging thing all over again is just such a strange experience. I'm just going on rambling and rambling e-v-e-r-y single thought that comes to mind immediately. It doesn't seem to stop. Haha. O-O perhaps this does go to show that despite my often icy/stony exterior, I do actually think. Irrelevant stuff, mostly though.

Anyway, after rambling on so much, I've forgotten what I actually wanted to type up here. Oh well. Kinda typical of me since these few years. Or maybe just this year. Feels like it's gradually getting worse though. I'm just getting more and more Grimdark (in HS speak haha). Mehh. I don't even know anymore. At this point, everyone else in the house is asleep, I'm having a mini-gastric ache, and am pretty much awake. Not really SUPER awake though. No idea why. Figures. I'm just weird like that.

Coming back to look at the blog just made me think if I should start posting on a blog again. And if I do, would it be on a separate blog, or should I continue it here? So many thoughts. So much commitment to commit too. I doubt if I have the ability to be so resilient enough to blog. Haha. After all, I have Twitter and Facebook, which I use oh-so-very often to update any random thoughts that happen to pop up in my mind. Does that make me really attention-seeking? I wonder. Sometimes it feels perfectly normal to me, and other times i feel like i'm a complete annoying ass. Hmmmm. Oh well. /shrug

But really, I wonder if I should. Start a new blog again, that is. But then it would be such a pain to commit. I'll probably forget about it just like me and my cousin forgot about this one. We're just all too busy being caught up in our diverse lives. It's all so tiring, frankly. I've always wanted to remain a kid forever. Never has the thought of wanting or having to grow up crossed my mind as I grew older. It still doesn't. The world of the adults is such a terrifying, horrible place. I just turned 18. A legal age. And in a few years time, I'd be having to go for job interviews, getting a job, eventually having to get my own house and whatnot. It's all so scary.

I already dread the thought of having to take the A levels this year. It's only in a few months' time. I'm scared. I'm totally under-prepared. And I know that it is mostly me to be blamed. I slacked too much, and am still continuing to slack as I type this post. It's just so difficult for me to face my personal problems. The only thing that grew stronger as I grew up was not my intellect or my wisdom. I personally believe it is my denial of reality. Everyone else is growing up, at faster paces, or even slow paces. I haven't grown a single bit. I'm still very much the kid I was in primary school. The scared, quiet, envious, dark little girl that everyone avoided as much as possible. Sure, I have more friends now then I could have ever asked for in the past. But, all of them for what price? I just keep torturing myself in the end. 

I hate that everyone is better than me. And yet I don't do anything to help myself. I just plunge deeper into reality-denial. There's no one to save me from myself. But at least I'm not cutting. I'm not fond of physical self-infliction of pain. Neither has the thoughts of committing suicide ever passed my dumb skull. No, I've always wished for something else to take me away. I've never ever been religious, so.. No, it's not a God or angel that I had particularly in mind. But, all I wanted was just something or somebody to take me away. Just like Peter Pan or something like that. But ugh. I can't. So, I'm just living every day as it comes. It's really not the way I should be living though.

I keep making excuses for myself that the path that I'm currently walking on is not one that I've chosen, and hence I lie to myself that it's legit not to do well. But clearly, it isn't. My family is not as well to do as others. If I cannot get good enough grades to qualify me into a university, my life is kind of over. I mean, my dad saved all that money for me and my sis to go to university. And if my sis is allowed to go to poly instead, more money will be channeled there, meaning there is absolutely zero chance of me turning back to do the poly course. Or something like that.

I'm really jelly now of how my best friend, Regina, is able to do the course that she likes. Or rather, we like. So it's kinda like she's living out my dream right now. (: But besides feeling proud of her, I feel horribly and intensely jealous of what she has in poly and what i can never have in a jc. I hate it when people are able to excel even further in the things that I'm slightly mildly good at. I really hate it, to be honest. Maybe that's why I'm always copying others. It's all because I'm really jealous of the fact that everyone else is better than me. And I just want to be better. That's why I try to crush them by copying them. Ugh.

Geez I'm getting too lazy to rant any further. Thanks for reading all of this shit anyway. See, this is exactly what happens when I get too ranty/emotional. Jeez. Whatever.

Anyhoo,ta-ta. Till we meet again lulz.


~Zweii (:

Problems

Okay. So now my eyes look damn red and my dark eye circles look awful now. I cried alot just now. I guess I'm sortoff under alot of stress. Family problems (but they apologised and made up for it :)) ) and friendship problem and studies. O lvls are like looming soon and I really shouldn't be using the com but I really needed to let these stuff off my shoulders.

It's only when I'm damn sad. And I feel like calling my friends and my handphone is consficated that I finally realise like. The only number I remembered was yours. Haiz. And I couldn't like call you anymore. Things are like that awkward between us. It all happened because he scolded me for talking about the 7th heaven game with his younger brother. But I only meant it as a joke and I was like at that time sick( as in body sick headache) so I was trying to cheer myself up.


OKAY END OF EXCUSES. i admit I sorta had a hidden agenda behind it. Maybe I said it because I secretly liked him....WAIT I DON'T LIKE HIM. okay I LIKE HIM. NO I DON'T. okay this bring me to my next point. I have no idea whether I like him. So let me list his bad points.

one)HIS ROUGH
two)HIS damn strong. ARM WRESTLED HIM AND HE BEAT ME LIKE IN A FEW SECONDS DAMN IT. THERE wasn't even a fight T^T
three)his rash. BECOS HE MISTOOK SOMETHING AND THOUGHT I WAS AT FAULT. he pulled me hand and dragged me very roughly until all my hands were red TT AND HE SCOLDED ME.
four)he is so FREAKING TALL. his like one nine zero plus >:
five)HE HAS NO LOOKS. ):
six) he likes to do weird stuff like kick other ppl
seven)he has a weird family background
eight)he hits my head when I do something silly or insult myself(okay actually tats a good part isn't it)

okay lets talk about his good points
one)his smart LIKE REALLY OMG LIKE GENIUS MATHS OLYMPIAD
two) his HELPFUL. he help me with my maths
three)his caring. He listens to my troubles
four)his emotional. He hear my sad story cry for me .___.
fifth)his siblings are DAMN CUTE. he has a three year old brother so CUTE. HE PLAYS DINOSAURS WITH ME. and his baby sister omg cute max x.x
sixth)his a good person to talk trash with
seven) his was the first person who FORCED ME to think about myself.
eight) he was selfless. HE WAS LIKE hungry bt i was trying lose weight then he nvr go eat. wait for me to succumb to my hunger and keep ask me if i was hungry
ninth) he told me I was not fat but if I wanted to diet I should like go and buy some nutritious drink so I won't be hungry
tenth)his good with computer games.like really good. THE PROJECT DIVA GAME OMG FIRST TIME INSANE MOOD >:
eleven)his patient. He takes time to teach his siblings
twenth)his damn hyper. He participates in all the school activities while I don't. I'm more cynical ._.

okay so this turned out to be a super long blog post. Do you think I should be friends with him. But he brings me alot of problems and he likes my best friend. Also everyone thinks we are in that relationship. But he brings me alot of pain. Don't know how many times he made me sad. HE LIKE PROMISED he won't ever make me sad but he does it like plenty of times. AND if i liked him that's like horrible.

After that yk incident its like....I haven't like anyone since then. It's like my heart doesn't want to find out who I like anymore. And this situation now is exactly like that time. I'm afraid it would get the same outcome...

plus now. When I see him with that girl. I used to be very amused and laugh at them. Now when I see them tgt and her actions. I feel kinda disgusted its like. She is leading him on letting him like her more and more when he stands like no chance and I feel like looking away. And felt sad. After that i gouged myself with the eclairs which lead me to have a poor appetite later on despite exercising alot after that. 

So how sigh. See how damn frayed I am?

Lots of Hate,
Frayed

New Levels Unlocked

Oh yeah, baby! Unlocked various levels yesterday heehee. Well, the one concerning me was staying up till 4 am to find a new profile/display picture for all my accounts. Heh. Went into Miki Sayaka fangirl mode since I decided that she was to be red, therefore I'd be more than willing to be her blue if she wanted me to, you know what I mean? ;D

Heh. And then, YES! I wanna go LegoLand now because she just uploaded pictures of her trip with her family to LegoLand, and I wanna go to the places she's been. 8>
Yes, I'm a huge stalker, I know. Oh, and the levels unlocked for her was the long braid and the bun levels. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYY nearly squealed out loud in the middle of the night like at 1:05 am or so. "OTL
But yes, I am happy. Heehee. Next level to unlock will be the twin tails. Heh. I don't she'll tie those though. /sigh
Not for either of our ages. DAYUM. Why does society like to judge people like me who still ties twin tails and twin braids to school?! Ugh. Not that I really care though. I still tie it the way I like it . XD

Oh, and speaking of hair, I kinda miss having my short hair. Should I cut my hair short again? I might be seen as imitating my friend though >.> and i'm kinda worried that i might look really stupid in my uniform with short hair. but, my long hair is really hard to maintain even though i admit that it looks quite nice on me.
/sigh.
i really don't know. suggestions and advice, people?

<3, Zweiister

Weekends are splendid!

Don't you love it when the weekends arrive? You get to stay up late on a Friday till it's waaaay past midnight while everyone else is sleeping in the house, and you do your own stuff even though you're not supposed to. It gives me the thrill and excitement of having control over what I do, instead of always having to be chased to bed whether by myself or by my parents. On a Friday night, time is not as restricted because I know I'll get to sleep in on the Saturday morning, therefore, I'm free to stay up as late as I want. Heehee. I simply LUUUURVE the weekends.

<3, Zweiister

Edit:

Awesome song! <3

Confused

Okay. So i'm real messed up. Maybe I have a messed up perception since I read manga books all the time. But I think manga books teach me some lessons that are really important. Speaking your mind and moving on. One day it will become a lovely memory not just a sad one. 

Sometimes its really funny because as much as I liked you. It was that much I hated you. There was nothing good about you. Nerd,low confidence, no life. But still the exact the same way, I liked you. The person I liked. I like you I don't like you. I'm so confused. Maybe its because I surrounded myself with people like you. Somehow it confuses me. It been, I lost count? 6 months? 7 months? Since that day. I still don't have the confidence to unleash my final hidden feelings and move on. Sometimes your mean but that you contradict yourself by saying something nice to me. It's a weird feeling. Both people exactly the same. Maybe one part of me doesn't want to like someone like that again. 

It's like time has stopped. Past,present,Future. I don't even know where to go from here. My grades are terrible, there is nothing good about me. I'm a crybaby. I cry easily. Just today I cried because the principle bullied the poor secondary two. Everything in life is sad.

I think the only good thing I'm good at is probably crying like it's nobody business. I always run to the same people for help and I rely on them too much. Sometimes I'm scared they will get fed up with me. Or what happens when they move on and I haven't. Or they like someone new.

If I was to rant about everything horrible in my life. I think I would take up the entire blog page.
It's just so confusing. I promised not to like that person. Again and again. I said it was impossible. Everything is just happening again and again. Stuck in Time. Maybe that person would say I'm being stupid. I brought it on myself because I let myself be stuck in such situations. I don't deserve to be sad at all. I'm at fault here.
Maybe I am. I don't really know.

All I know is. I'm stuck here. In time. Not moving. Confused.
Until time restarts again.


Love,
Frayed